“I can’t forget what happened. I don’t trust you anymore, and I don’t think I could ever trust you again.”
Those words are like a trump card. Whoever uses them wins the hand (assuring mutual defeat) by acknowledging a loss of hope. It doesn’t matter what cards the other player is holding. Mutual trust is so important to relationships that its value might seem impossible to over-emphasize.
So what can we do when we lose trust in others, or when others lose trust in us? Here’s where I am. See how much of this makes sense to you. For openers,
Don’t deny the pain of lost trust. The Bible itself says, “Confidence in an unfaithful man in time of trouble is like a broken tooth, and a foot out of joint” (Prov. 25:19). We don’t need to beat ourselves up, or to act as if something’s wrong with us if we can’t lovingly overlook the damages of unfaithfulness.
If we are the one who has been let down, we may be ready to see that, at the deepest level,
Our trust needs to be in God. The Bible might not say what we think it says about trusting others. I discovered this when I reached for my computer and began punching search commands into Bible software.
The results of my search surprised me. While the Bible emphasizes the importance of being trustworthy, it repeatedly urges us not to trust people and to realize that God alone is to be trusted (Ps. 146:3; Prov. 29:25; Jer. 17:5,7). The Scriptures make it clear that when our deepest reliance is in ourselves or in others, we are ripe for disappointment and even despair. God alone can be counted on, not only to keep all His promises but to be all we need long after everyone else is gone.
But this isn’t the whole story. Haven’t we all seen that if we want to bring out the worst in one another, all we have to do is to be mutually suspicious and untrusting? For that reason, I think it’s important to see that,
The Bible shows us how to treat those who don’t deserve our trust. Just about the time I am sure that trust is something I give only to those who earn it, I read 1 Corinthians 13, which seems to call for some level of trust whether it’s deserved or not. Paul said, “[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (v.7 NIV).
Does this mean we should trust a convicted embezzler with our money or a suspected child molester with our children? That wouldn’t be the loving thing to do, would it. But what love can do is extend the kind of trust that allows others to prove that their confession, regret, and repentance are real. Love can extend the kind of trust that recognizes what God can do in a repentant heart.
When repentance is real, the person will not demand the same privileges and freedom he or she enjoyed before breaking trust. A person with a heart being changed by God is willing to be held accountable, to slowly and purposefully give others reason to re-establish some level of trust.
God wants to live this kind of love through us. I’m convinced that it is only as we learn to rely on God as our provider and protector that we will be able to entrust to others our time, our prayers, and the appropriate expressions of friendship. It is only as we personally find Him trustworthy and faithful that we can find something better than an “I’ll never trust you again” attitude.
I think this means that a loss of trust is not the end of the world. If life is likened to a game of cards, there is more in our hand than the trust card. There is also the truth card, the wisdom card, the consequences card, the love card, the mutual accountability card, the Spirit card, the trust-in-God card, the repentance card, the forgiveness card, and the time card.
So now, let’s compare notes. I’m sure I’m missing something. Comparing a relationship to a game of cards even has a real down side. Can you see why it may or may not be a good idea to think of a relationship in those terms? Can you see how trust issues require us to think through our understanding of forgiveness?
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