Yesterday I mentioned that we are working on some video and web-based programs that tell the stories of some courageous men who have been willing to talk about their escape from pornography.
The men told their stories in an empty warehouse that provides a visual backdrop for the lonely, secret obsession that had been consuming them.
This morning I met with a pastor and counselor to videotape another conversation in the same empty warehouse. Our discussion focused directly on what the men’s stories so powerfully illustrated. As serious as it is, pornography is not the real problem. The real issue is what happens to our capacity for healthy relationships.
My guess is that we all know how timely and urgent this battle is. In the past, sexually explicit material was available only in out-of-the-way places. Now, to our own loss, and to the harm of those we love, it is as accessible as e-mail spam and the Internet. In the privacy of our own homes or workplaces anyone can now access images that used to be limited to low lights and out of the way places.
Why is this happening to men who thought it could never happen to them? In part because all of us, like Elijah and Samson, wear the clothes of our own passions (James 5:17) . We are all subject to feelings of loneliness, rejection, anger, and foolishness. We all crave intimacy in relationships, and pornography provides a powerful, thoughtless illusion of that intimacy.
Let’s remind ourselves why the alarm needs to be sounded and why we need to care for, rather than condemn those who are trapped in their own burning building.
It is not just a men’s issue. While men are still the primary users of pornography, both men and women are hurt by it. Pornography hurts everyone. It sexualizes people and relationships and lessens our capacity to understand the real desire and need we all have to be respected and loved.
A man might think he can cross sexual boundaries of the mind without getting caught. But secrets of the heart live close to everything else that is important to us (Prov. 4:23).
It consumes our capacity for intimacy. Seeing women as objects of self-centered pleasure has a dehumanizing effect that blinds us to their personality, pain and happiness. It blurs the image of God which together we share. It preoccupies us in a cycle of self-absorbed pleasure, regret, shame, and concealment. The pride that makes us afraid to admit our own failures leaves us with a sense of self-contempt that fills us with ourselves, rather than with the interests, thoughts, feelings, and needs of others.
It sets up a god-substitute in our heart. It is impossible to keep a healthy focus on the Spirit of God and His Word while assuming that the rancid food of pornography is the bread we need and want. When full of ourselves and treating those made in the image of God as something to be used for our own pleasure, we are not under the influence of the Spirit (Gal. 5:16).
It defaces a place of worship. We would not think of defacing a house of worship. Yet for those who have taken the name of Christ, choosing the illusion and god-substitute of pornography is like writing obscenities on church walls. Or in Old Testament terms, it’s like burning strange fire on the alter of the house of God (Numbers 10:1-2). Today, our bodies are a temple (1 Cor. 6:19) and our hearts are the altar. Images burned into the mind cannot be painted over. A man who is willing to risk his most important relationships for a few moments of pleasure diminishes his capacity for good and for God. Like our first parents a wounded conscience prompts us to run from God rather than to him.
It costs more than we think. Self-centered pleasure lasts for a moment. Memories and regrets can stalk us for a lifetime. Though our Lord is quick to forgive when we come to Him with honest hearts, His mercy does not automatically fix a damaged thought-life nor patterns of self-deception.
Until, quenched by a new obsession with God, the fire of pornography leaves us with a coolness toward heaven and earth. It puts distance between ourselves and others. It robs us of our conscience before God and our transparency with others.
It requires more than a casual response. Those caught in the grip of pornography cannot fix the problem by simply turning over a new leaf or by renewing personal resolve. As with other forms of bondage, we need a sustained, thoughtful approach to the implications of our choices. We need to do whatever it takes to unmask the fear and wounded pride that is keeping us from seeking help. We need to thoughtfully look for the desires and thoughts of the Lord. Where is He? What is He saying? What is He feeling? What is He offering? What can He do to free us from this terrible enslavement.
Then we need to ask Him for the ability to look deep into ourselves, to see not only what we are doing to ourselves and others, but why. What are the lies we are telling ourselves? What are the misbeliefs? We need to call upon the Lord for the forgiveness and enablement He alone can give.
We need to find a way to be honest with God and others. When the Scriptures tell us to confess our faults to one another, they are not giving us a substitute for confession to God. Neither are they allowing us to think that confession to God is all we need. Honest, appropriate accountability is one way to build boundaries and Spirit-given restraint back into our lives.
Together with some of you who have already expressed your concern, my co-workers and I believe this is a problem that we all have a stake in. Our plan is to release programs and a DVD this fall on the illusion of intimacy. I’ll tell you more as the release date approaches.
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