I admire the person who can use humor, thoughtfulness, or a self-deprecating comment to defuse the tension of an angry moment. Maybe that’s why I’ve become so intrigued with the proverb that says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). I’m convinced that there is more here than a reminder not to yell at one another.
The neighborhood of this proverb
The previous proverb (14:35) reminds us that anger isn’t always wrong. Solomon provided needed balance when he said, “The king’s favor is toward a wise servant, but his wrath is against him who causes shame.”
I have a good friend who occasionally reminds me that sometimes I am so committed to avoiding anger that I don’t get angry even when it is called for. At its best, angry emotions show that we care enough to be upset when someone or something we value is in danger. This is like the anger of the king (14:35) who becomes emotional when one of his servants acts without regard for the needs of others.
Wisdom, however, keeps this emotion on a short leash. Solomon’s “rule of the soft answer” helps us avoid the danger of unnecessary anger.
The danger behind the anger
Anger is like a guard dog. It can help us protect ourselves, our property, or someone we care about. But anger can also be our own junkyard dog. Regardless of whether we call him “Nero,” “Porkchop,” or “Sunrise,” he will act on his own instincts. Without training, fencing, or a short leash, he will bite a friend as quickly as he will attack a thief.
The motive behind this proverb
So what restraint does wisdom give us? Is Proverb 15:1 just encouraging us to lower our voices to avoid waking the sleeping dog? No, the wisdom described here isn’t just about volume. What makes a response gentle is our motive, not our volume. A soft answer is motivated by love.
A voice raised in love is less threatening than a thought whispered in contempt. A loud “Yes, I’m upset. I’m sorry. Forgive me. But I happen to care about you!” is much more calming than a softly spoken “You’re nothing but a worthless version of your father (or mother).”
“What I do with my time is none of your business” is a harsh answer even when it’s said softly through smiling lips. On the other hand, “What can I say? What I said was thoughtless and mean. You didn’t need to hear that from me!” is likely to be “soft” even if expressed with loud regret.
Proverbs 15:1 isn’t about loud responses. It’s warning us about harsh responses that, even when whispered, awaken anger because they’re spoken as a threat. “Soft” words, though, tend to defuse anger, regardless of their volume, because they’re an offer of safety.
The limits of this proverb
It’s important to add that the calming effect of a soft answer is a general rule that has exceptions. A “soft answer” does not always quiet anger.
No one illustrates both the rule and the exception better than the Messiah of Israel. Jesus was crucified for speaking the ultimate soft answer. As the King of kings He had every right and reason to come in anger. The streets and neighborhoods of His kingdom were full of servants who had acted shamefully. Yet this King put everyone off balance by surprising people with kindness. He comforted people whose lives were a mess, unnerving those who were resting in their own self-righteousness.
Jesus infuriated the religious and moral leaders of His people by earning a reputation as “a friend of sinners.” The separatist sect known as the Pharisees (i.e. righteous ones) probably would have been more receptive if He had at least spoken softly and carried a big stick. But He carried a cross instead.
While known sinners loved Him, raging religious moralists were convinced that no one would be safe until He was dead. His example reminds us that we should not expect to avoid anger. Instead, we should make it our goal to hold in check the kind of anger that harms others in an attempt to defend our own selfish interests. An even better strategy is to find such security and safety in God that we are not quick to get angry for self-centered reasons.
The connections of this proverb
Proverbs 14:26, another close neighbor of 15:1, points us to the security and safety that will help us avoid unhealthy anger in ourselves. There we read, “In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge.” Another neighbor (15:3) reminds us that “the eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.”
When considered in the shadow of our God, Proverbs 15:1 is not an end in itself. It is not a simple moral principle. Instead, it leads us to the source of love, security, and spiritual strength we all need. After helping us to think about what it means to answer in a soft rather than a harsh way, this proverb points us to our God. Our “soft answers” are prompted by His offer of security, the example and forgiveness of His Son, and the enabling presence of His Spirit.
Father, I don’t like what my anger says about me. I try to hide it. But inside I know how quick I am to defend myself at the expense of others. Thank You for responding to me with the soft answer I need rather than the harsh response I deserve. No one calms my anger the way You do. Please help me to offer that same wisdom and safety to others. —Mart De Haa
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